Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth

Giles: "You are the Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a chosen one, born with the..."
Buffy: "...strength and skill to hunt the vampires, stop the spread of their evil, blah blah blah, I've heard it, okay?"

What is the basic function of a pilot episode? To introduce you to the characters and the basic theme of the show, and to get you hooked, right? For what it's worth, "Welcome to the Hellmouth" does introduce us to the characters and to the Hellmouth, but it certainly didn't hook me right off the bat. In fact, the entire first season was only so-so, although I enjoy it now in retrospect. Most fans report that they got hooked on the show at some point in season two. Which is true of me as well.

The very first person we see is an innocent-looking blonde who is not what she appears to be, and then we meet Buffy, also an innocent-looking blonde who is not what she appears to be. (I sense a theme here.) In fact, Darla biting her victim in the darkened, eerie-looking high school and the frightening images in Buffy's initial prophecy dream are a striking contrast to the bright sunshine, palm trees, rock music, and witty repartee.

The dialogue is, in fact, exceptionally witty and the characterizations are deft. Buffy pleased me right off the bat by preferring Willow and Xander to Cordelia and her crowd, although it's clear that her past choices were different. We learn about Buffy's checkered past at Hemery High through conversations with Principal Flutie (I love him ripping her transcript into pieces, and then carefully taping it back together), and Buffy's mother, who has no idea that Buffy's previous school problems were all caused by vampire slayage. Fate must have led Buffy and her mother to the Hellmouth, since it cannot be a coincidence that Giles is there, waiting for her.

Buffy's new friends learn about her being the Slayer in the very first episode. Xander stumbles upon Buffy's secret by accidentally eavesdropping in the library, and Willow learns the truth after almost getting bitten by the fashion-challenged vampire who picks her up in the Bronze. (Buffy's philosophy is that life is short, seize the moment, tomorrow you may be dead. This is not a good thing to tell Willow, since it indeed almost kills her.)

Last but not least, Buffy is stalked by a dark, mysterious stranger in a dark alley near the Bronze, and they become acquainted after she pummels him to the ground. It's Angel, although we don't learn his name in this episode. David Boreanaz doesn't seem much like Angel, yet; his clothes look too fancy (is that a velvet jacket?), and he delivers his lines awkwardly and smiles too much. But he certainly is "gorgeous in an annoying sort of way," and he leaves us wanting more. There are subtle hints that he is a vampire; he gives Buffy a cross -- in a box, where he won't have to touch it. And he tells her, "Don't worry, I don't bite."

Bits and pieces:

-- The show opens with a saga sell: "In every generation..."

-- Buffy is sixteen, and a sophomore.

-- When we first see Buffy, she is in bed having a prophecy dream about the Master, the bat-faced, imprisoned vamp who is this season's Big Bad.

-- We learn here what a Slayer is, what a Watcher is, how vampires function in the Buffyverse, and how someone becomes a vampire ("it's like a whole big sucking thing").

-- We meet Buffy's mother but don't learn her name.

-- Cordelia shows her colors early ("know your losers" and "the softer side of Sears"), somehow managing to be obnoxious, cruel, and funny, all at the same time.

-- Willow and Xander have been friends at least since they were five. Willow is good in school. Xander is not so good in school.

-- Jesse (Eric Balfour) is geeky and funny, and is in fact a lot like Xander.

-- Even the classes at Sunnydale High are scary. Buffy's first class is about the fun part of the Black Death.

-- The Bronze is in the bad part of town, half a block from the good part of town.

-- At Hemery, Buffy burned down the gym because it was full of vampires. A little call-back to the original movie.

-- The one-hour version of "Welcome to the Hellmouth" ends with a cliffhanger, although the episode was initially shown with "The Harvest" as a two-hour series premiere.

-- References to dogs seem to be a standing joke on this show. Here, Buffy mentions that she just wanted to "have some friends, maybe a dog."

Quotable quotes:

Cordelia: "I would kill to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes?"

Cordelia: "Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish."
Buffy: "Um, over?"
Cordelia: "So over. James Spader."
Buffy: "He needs to call me."
Cordelia: "Frappaccinos."
Buffy: "Trendy, but tasty."
Cordelia: "John Tesh."
Buffy: "The Devil."
Cordelia: "That was pretty much a gimme, but you passed."

Cordelia: "Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears."

Aphrodisia: "The new kid? She seems kind of weird to me. What kind of name is Buffy?"
Girl: "Hey, Aphrodisia."
Aphrodisia: "Oh, hey."

Buffy: "To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing."

Giles: "Zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real."
Buffy: "What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?"
Giles: "Ah, yes."
Buffy: "Did you get the free phone?"

Buffy: (holding up a sexy dress) "Hi! I'm an enormous slut! (holding up a floral dress) Hello. Would you like a copy of 'The Watchtower'?"

Joyce: "Are you, uh, going out tonight?"
Buffy: "Yeah, I'm going to a club."
Joyce: "Oh. Will there be boys there?"
Buffy: "No, Mom. It's a nun club."

Angel: "Truth is, I thought you'd be taller or bigger, muscles and all that."

Willow: "When I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away."
Buffy: "It's not that bad."
Willow: "No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk."
Buffy: "You really haven't been dating lately."

Buffy: "I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it."

Buffy: "You're like a textbook with arms."

Cordelia: "Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now."

Giles: "The vampire is not dead?"
Buffy: "No, but my social life is on the critical list."

Buffy: "Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge. "

Three out of a possible four stakes,

Billie

[Note from later: I started reviewing Buffy during its run at the beginning of season three, and it was my very first reviewing project. I wrote reviews of seasons one and two as soon as we started getting reruns.]